Video: Chevy Volt Hits The Track, Impresses The Hell Out Of Us

After bombarding the media with an overflow of official press images, video footage of the production Chevy Volt hitting the streets has finally found its way to the web. Coldplay’s “Speed of Sound” musical accompaniment notwithstanding, actually seeing the Chevy Volt in motion effectively quieted all the bitching and moaning we’ve done about the Volt’s unimpressive design.

Video footage after the jump

Despite the fact that I doubt it ever peaked past 45mph, watching the Chevy Volt complete a lap on the track was, as corny as this may sound, a very humbling experience. Yes, we’ve read GM the riot act a countless number of times for the numerous discrepancies between the concept and production model Volts, but at the end of the day, we respectfully remove our hats in your presence, GM - 100 years and still firmly planted on the forefront of engineering.

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Relationship Update: GM Spotted Getting Cozy With Tata, Betraying Pregnant HUMMER

After a brief reconciliation in anticipation of the birth of their new child, the HUMMER H4, our favorite dysfunctional industry couple, GM and HUMMER, are again on the outs. According to Auto News, GM has reported an “abysmal” tally for 2008 of only 14 million total HUMMER units sold, down 2 million from last year, and is once again anxiously trying to divorce HUMMER. After approaching auto manufacturers in both Russia and China only to be met with a closed door, GM is now groveling at the feet of Indian company Tata Motors.

Today’s news of GM’s renewed desire to rid itself of HUMMER follows on the heels of last week’s news that GM plans to invest $200 million in a powertrain plant in India. Scandalous news given GM’s public lamentations of severe financial hardship, GM insists that the new plans are purely an extension of GM’s long-term goal to compete in the global market as opposed to an incentive for Tata Motors to become HUMMER’s new sugar daddy.

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New Porsche Marketing Idea “I Can” Gives You Another Reason To Hate Your Middle-Class, Mediocre Life

Referred to as “I Can” [as in, "I Can Own A Porsche Without Participating In The Trafficking of Narcotics,"], Porsche’s new online interactive program allows users to create their own desktop wallpaper by uploading a picture of their own driveway and then integrating a Porsche model of their choosing into the foreground. To ensure the finished product appears authentic enough to show you what you could achieve without your nagging wife [for convenience, shovels and duct tape included in the upgrade package with all Porsche coupes], Porsche provides several Photoshop-type editing tools to adjust the size, color, and sharpness of the vehicle.

Although I was pretty impressed with my photo-editing prowess, a well-meaning friend of mine was kind enough to point out that the picture I created above utterly fails to communicate the “I am a wildly rich and successful creative genius” theme I was going for. Instead, my friend explained, given my gross annual income and my decidedly blue-collar neighborhood, my picture only makes it appear as though I have either a.) adopted the Heidi Fleiss business model or b.) begun dating a man thrice my age. Unfortunately he’s right…there go my plans for one hell of a Christmas card.

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2011 Chevrolet Cruze Unveiled: Guys, Seriously, This Isn’t The 10th Grade, Stop Copying Each Others Homework

Apparently hoping to duplicate Ford’s success in the compact car market, Chevrolet has revealed their own craptacular version of the Ford Fiesta global-design frame: the new Chevrolet Cruze. Slated to replace the Chevrolet Cobalt in the U.S. in 2011, the Chevrolet Cruze will make its official debut on the road in March of 2009 when it’s released in the European market. The 2010 European Cruze will be offered with 3 different engines, either a 112-hp 1.L, 140-hp 1.8L, or a 150-hp 2.0L turbodiesel. When it hits the United Sates in 2010 as a 2011 model, the Cruze will most likely feature similar specifications.

According to Chevrolet, the Cruze compact car is based on the Delta 2 platform and will serve as the flagship model for Chevrolet’s “Global Compact Vehicle” Architecture. Using the “Global Delta” platform, Chevrolet plans to eventually release 15 cars worldwide, a marketing plan that very closely resembles Ford’s “Global Ford” program.

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The 2009 Porsche Panamera: Cue The Inappropriate Sexual References

Essentially an elongated version of the Porsche 911, the new 2009 Porsche Panamera bears a striking resemblance to its progenitor and, unfortunately, the Ambiguously Gay Duo’s Duo-car. Glaring design flaw aside, the new Panamera is definitely an innovative move for Porsche; with this new front-engine, 4-door sedan, Porsche will begin inserting itself [giggle] into other luxury/super car markets.

Publicly fingering [snicker] the almighty Mercedes-Benz CLS as a direct competitor, the Porsche Panamera is already preparing to call down the performance-sedan thunder. Although too soon to indentify a clear winner, we will [briefly] abandon the sexual innuendo in favor of a sports-related metaphor and compare the two competitors.

Challenging the Mercedes-Benz CLS550 Coupe for its Division Heavyweight Title is the Porsche Panamera S, the Panamera’s base model. Weighing in at $127,000, the rookie contender Panamera S is knocked out in the first round by the Mercedes-Benz CLS550’s cool $69,825 price tag. Rallying for round two, the Panamera S offers a sizable counter attack with a 4.8-L naturally aspirated V8 engine, 400-hp, and an acceleration rate of 0-60 mph in about 4.5 seconds. The CLS550 matches the Panamera S’s efforts with a 5.5-liter V8 engine and 7-sp automatic transmission, but is ultimately out-performed with its paltry 382-hp.

Next up: Mercedes-Benz CLS 63 AMG v. Porsche Panamera Turbo the most immediately obvious differentiating feature between the two models is the 100k price tag difference with the CLS 63 AMG offered at $95, 425 and the Panamera Turbo rounding out at a whopping $198,000. Although the Panamera Turbo is smaller, lighter, and definitely packs a punch with a powerful with a twin-turbocharged 520-hp engine, the CLS 63 AMG doesn’t lag very far behind with its 6.3L V8 and 507-hp. For that kind of money, the Panamera Turbo doesn’t appear to have the kind of competitive edge over the CLS 63 AMG one would expect.

Not slated to make its debut until 2009, it’s impossible to prematurely calculate [snort] a winner until we’ve had the opportunity to evaluate the Panamera’s performance. One thing we can admit however – without its speed-sensitive rear-spoiler, the phallus-shaped Porsche Panamera is a hard one to swallow [hah].

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